The Not So Silent Killer
You just had to come take her from me didn't you?? This little gal that grew up with nothing and decided she was ok living that way....
She asked for so little in this life... Gave so much... Came from a long line of alcoholics and stayed with the program herself until you made my sweet sister so sick she couldn't drink anymore...I thank you for that....I prayed so many times that something would stop her from drinking, stop her from looking and behaving like the mother we were given.. but did it have to be YOU??? Did you have to take that little thing and make her swell up and puke so violently??
She never experienced a drunken puke fest like the one you put her on...
You ravage so many people in your path.
She was simple....
She was accepting of her little trailer with all the pictures of her kids on the walls.... She loved collecting any and all Disney VCR tapes.... That girl could decorate her trailer for Halloween better than any mall...
Seems funny that she could put away so much bologna when she was healthy cause that's about all we had to eat when we were kids....I couldn't force myself to eat bologna as an adult for a long time because of that...
She was simple...
She enjoyed her fish tanks all over that little trailer...I couldn't walk in there that she wouldn't make me go home with something she had bought from the dollar store or somewhere.... She had five children that just couldn't comprehend what the hell was happening.... I tried telling Tina once, " your mom doesn't have the flu, this is something she isn't going to get over" .... That was about the time that Tina had offered for some reason to was some blankets for Sharon and wouldn't bring them back....Had Sharon in a tizzy ....All I wanted was for comfort of EVERY KIND to come to my precious sis...
I once told her that I would crawl inside her body if I could...And I meant it... Sharon and I were so totally different...Sharon lived her adult life just like we were raised and raised her children that way too but I didn't love her any less....She pissed me off to the max sometime but I loved that sweet thing...
As if you tearing through her body wasn't enough there had to be that fire that burned everything she owned to the ground...Just a month before she died....Lost everything....All the simple things she cared so much about.... Every Damned thing...
I had never been that close to a fire of that magnitude and emotion in my life and I pray I never will again but I can still see myself running down that street, past the fire trucks....around the corner, not knowing if she had been killed in that fire or not and, there she was....Sitting in that wheelchair ...So small, so fragile... She didn't want to leave that trailer park that night but I finally talked her into coming to my house... The next day, we went back....News crews were there....The smell...Oh My God, the smell....The gutted out trailer that had once been the shrine of my sister was gone....All the things she held dear to her heart....GONE...I still see her sifting through burned ashes....Looking for anything she can familiarize herself with....News camera in her face....News men asking questions... Sharon bent over, looking at something....picked it up...Her whole precious little body shook as she showed me a charm bracelet, or what was left of one that her kids had all pitched in and got her with little booties on it representing her grandchildren....All melted together...Could barely make it out but, she knew.... I miss you sis and your simple ways.... Although you were 4 years younger than me you were older than me in so many ways....I chose not to live like we were raised and at times I was miserable....You knew what the score was....You weren't miserable....You were one of the strongest people in this world that I know of and I am honored to be your sister....Please save a place for me next to you so we can one day sit and talk again....
posted by Granny at 10/13/2005
13 Comments:
I can tell you loved her very much.
I am sorry for your loss. I have one sister and I would feel as if a part of me had died should anything happen to her.
I wish for you some solace in dedicating this tribute to your sister.
Here ya go Steve... This was one of the hardest ones for me to pound out.. you can probably tell that by the mis-spelled word that I didn't catch until I had allready posted it...
My only sister was amazingly special to me and especially after the way we grew up and the torment of her life up to and including the cancer that took her from me... I've missed your posts....Sorry your so tired and uninspired....
Here's your inspiration... 'Susan Smith'...LMAO!!
Yvonne,
Hello and thanks again....My only sister was very very precious to me and if she were alive today I would never have went through some of the hell I've been through since losing her... That saga will be in future blogs...
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Hi Steve....Ya know, I wanted to blast your ass so bad cause as I sat on my lunch hour today I got to thinking of the things you said about my Grandpa and how you felt I should react or feel about it and I was PISSED... I HATE him now and I HATED him then...I had alot more on my mind I was going to say but then you had posted and I need to let that go and tell you that, I appreciate your visiting my site and commenting...I'm still a 'newbie'... I don't know just how to put this stuff into type that I'm putting there but I'm trying and I appreciate the critiqueing ( where the hell is this spell check thingy??) that I asked you from the beginning to give me...
Thing is, I'm not a writer...I don't know how to do this and last but not least, you can't begin to imagine ( or maybe you can, I dunno)how hard some of this shit is for me to put down...Re-living all over again the death of my precious sister and what happened to her before she finally expired....There is so much more I could write about her dying...The things I have put here have been secrets I've carried with me for years and years...
Lilly commented to me yesterday that she didn't know these things... My comment to her was, " I didn't tell you"...It's just flat not easy sitting down and telling someone how fucked up your life has been ...I feel like I have been a victim most of my life...How could I not?? My Grandfather tried to molest me, My Dad sold my brother, My sister was yanked from me after we had been seperated so many years.. I'm the oldest child my Mom had and the only one living.. AND, I'm not done yet!! Deep breaths...Whewwwwww..
Anyhow, I'm going to bring this page up again when I get home from work and try to understand what you are telling me...I do appreciate you....
Psssssssst... And, BTW...Aye is far more than Ben Stiller could ever hope to be...sucky, sucky...winky winky....
When my thoughts and eyes clear...
Writers write, right? You're a writer, clear and to the point, you're a good writer. It hurts to read your work, and it is work isn't it? Please write more when you can. This reader is healing, by reading.
Thank You!
Susan...
You have NO IDEA, or....maybe you do...I'm surely not a writer but when I decided to do this I decided to be truthful.. I'm hoping that it will help me to see inside myself and deal with some of the shit I've brought to my life along with the help of others... I like reading your blogs too...Just wanted you to know that because I don't believe I have commented there...Thanks so much for your comments to mine...I will keep posting and yes, sometimes when I sit here typing out that stuff, I'm crying my eyes out....I have a wonderful sense of humor and I hopefully will show you that when I get all this other stuff out of my way...Thanks Susan..
I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find healing in your memorial to your sister.
One of the things I think that bothered me most about my grandmother dying last year was the lack of attention it received. I had known her for 34 years. I knew she was a wonderful woman. I knew what she sacrificed for other's happiness.
But no TV cameras arrived, no newspaper story other than a simple obituary was written. She just faded away into nothing. Just a name on a piece of undeliverable junk mail.
But I know who she was. And I still hold that love inside. And if one day I get to see her again, I'm gonna give her the biggest hug and sloppiest kiss I can.
Thanks for putting it out there.
Thank you Truth...
My truth is, I wish I had the same fond memories of my late Grandmother...Wish I could look forward to giving her a hug and a big sloopy kiss but I'm not going where she is when I die...She had every opportunity to receive them when she was alive but she choose not to.. I suffered for it...She didn't seem to...When my Grandfather 'Whitey' died...I spent the night at Grandma's house...Helping her with all I could... She was in one twin bed and I was in another... I said, "Grandma, I love you"... She said, "I wonder if it will rain tomorrow"..
Do you think maybe the pain of loss is like a fine grit used to polish our soul to deeper understanding of this wonderous life? If it's not, for me, I going to be really pissed.
For some reason shareing you pain helps me carry my own. To know I'm not alone in it, to know you find ways to deal with it gives me hope. Yvonne's words come to my mind, "someday", a promise of hope...your words, "things wished for". Thank you Granny(the name really doesn't suit you, your to young), thank you for having the strengh and courage to share.
Wow, I had no idea Gran.
You were such a great sister to your sister. And you are such a great writer...I felt every word...not as much as you but I felt your pain. I'm so glad you didn't delete these posts forever. My God, your sister was such a good woman. Love to you Gran!
What happened to her children?
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