Old age, I decided, is a gift...I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I've always wanted to be...

Oh, not my body! I sometimes spazz out over my body..
The wrinkles, the baggy eyes, the big ass...

And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I ain't sweattin over those things to long...

As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, I've become my own friend...

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement geico that I didn't need, but looks so avant-guard on my patio...

I am entitled to overeat, be messy and sometimes be extravagant... I have seen to many precious people leave this world to soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging...

Who's business is it if I read a book, crochet or play on the computer until 4am and sleep til noon?? (Of course, anyone that knows me, knows I don't) BUT.... What if I did??

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60's, and if I, at the same time, wish to cry over a lost love... I will...

I will walk the beach in a bathing suit stretched over this bulging body, and I will dive in the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances of the bikini set... They, too, will get old...

I know sometimes I am forgetful, but there again some parts of life are just as well forgotten... And I eventually remember the important things..

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken... How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when a pet gets hit by a car..
But broken hearts are what gives us strength, understanding and compassion.. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect...

I am so blessed to have lived long enough for my hair to turn gray, and to have my youthful laughs forever etched into deep grooves on my face...

So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver... I can say " NO" and mean it and I can say "YES" and mean it....As you get older it seems to be easier to be positive...
You care less about what others think.. I don't question myself anymore... I've even earned the right to be wrong..

I like being old... It has set me free... I like the person I have become...

I will not live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be, but will continue to rejoice in what was....

I love you Sis...

Phone rings: " Hi Sis"! ( Seen on phone who was calling)

" Hey, what are you doing"?

" Nothing, what are you doing"??

" Going to the Movie with Gavin"..

" Oh, what are you going to see"??

" The Divinci Code"...

" Oh, way cool... I'm sure you will enjoy it"..

" What are you doing tomorrow"??

" Ironing" ( laughter)

" Ironing"??

" Yeah"..

" Well, tomorrow we are haveing a cook out for my graduation and I would like for you to come."

Long pause...

" Sis, I want you to know from my heart, I appreciate it but, I can't... I don't want to cause uncomfortable situations for ...

" Ok"..

" Sis, please know I love you and I just don't want to cause uncomfortable situations for anyone."

" Granny, you won't be causing uncomfortable situations"...

" Sis, yes it would"

" Ok"...

" Sis, please don't be angry or upset with me"...

" I'm not" ...

" How do I believe this"??

" I don't know, just take my word for it"...

"Ok Sis but, I want to see you sometime"...

" I'll call you next weekend and maybe we can do something"...

" Ok, I do want to thank you for the invite honey... I will be there in my heart. I love you."

" I love you too"...

Tears, tears and more tears... I can't tell this young thing that I love so much my true feelings... I can't tell her how much I have been hurt by the Mother that has been so good to her....Can't tell her that I don't ever see myself again at the house her Mother and Stepdad truly don't want me at...
Just have to tell her, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by my presence and that is the truth... In the meantime... I continue to hurt... Hurt so bad that I can't be a bigger part of her celebration...
I will never tell her the hurt I went through for almost a year in a homeless shelter that her Mother choose not to contact or see me.... She is a wonderful Mother and person... Her husband has been a wonderful role model in the home... Good husband, good step-dad...
I'm sure all this will be thrown back on me since I've refused to go today... Noone will take the time to think, why....I will once again be deemed the, 'bad granny' ...So be it...
Can't sleep, can't eat... But... I'll get through this too....

Surprises...

Over the years I have seen it bent to, (what I thought) was the point of no return but, it held strong...
Why, at the end of the day would I be surprised??

Why when I've felt over the years that my affirmations, my buildups, support, love, honesty and friendship were for naught?? All these things have come from, first one and then another and with more importance, it seems... Why would I let myself be surprised when I've 'felt' it time and time again??

Like all other circles in my life, this one is broken...I'm on the outside looking in but, I'm not completely broken .. It is because of this that I became what I became but....My friendship has never been un-wavering... I can have more than one friend in my life....I can listen and hear more than one friend at a time...I don't form nor keep friendships because of what I can get materialistic from, said friendships... I don't have to be the "center of attention"..That is not a pre-requisite for my friendship and love... But, I also don't feel the need to push someone out if they at times feel the need to be in the, 'center'...
So....lesson here is....I need to be concentrating on my own circle...The circle of, ME...Seems to work well for others....Although I have been outspoken, irrational, critical, opinionated etc....I have NEVER put myself first... Bout the time I'd think of doing that, someone would come along and need my support, affirmation, music etc...
I have lots of memories...some good, some bad...some happy, some sad.. I live my life on memories...Glad to have them, such as they are, since looking toward the future is kinda scarey.. I'm a survivor...I'll do it...While others are sucking each other dry, I'll continue to live in my circle... It's not as if noone has ever done it....I just need to learn how not to need those affirmations, love, friendship and honesty.... There are no COMPLETE, SOLID circles....SURPRISE!

The Eagle's Choice...

Eagles are the most long-lived bird in the world. By the time they reach 40 years old, their claws will start to age, losing their effectiveness and making it hard for them to catch preys. The life span of an eagle is up to 70 years old. But in order to live this long, it must make the toughest decision at 40...

At 40 its beak is too long and curvy that it reaches its chest. Its wings, full of long, thickened feathers, are too heavy for easy flying. The eagle is left with 2 choices – do nothing and await its death or go through a painful period of transformation and renewal...
For 150 days, it first trains itself to fly beyond the high mountains, build and live in its nest and cease all flying activities. It then begins to knock its beak against granite rocks till the beak is completely removed.
When a new beak is grown, the eagle will use it to remove all its old claws and await quietly for new ones to be fully grown.
When the new claws are fully grown, the eagle will use them to remove all its feathers, one by one.
Five months later, when its new feathers are fully grown, it will soar in the sky again with renewed strength and is able to live for the next 30 years....

In life, as an individual, in a ministry, even in an organization, sometimes, we have to learn to make difficult decisions so as to make room for changes.
Changes bring about renewal. And the only way for us to soar again is to let go old ways, old habits, old lives.
For as long as we are prepared to put aside our old baggage – past glory or shame, past success or failure – be willing to become zero, with an empty cup mentality, we will be able to discover our potential and head towards a renewed perspective in any aspect of our lives.....

May the Lord bless you and all those whom you love ...

Sister's Forever..

Sharon...You are my angel...Even tho you are no longer here on this earth with me other than in my thoughts and memories, I never stop thinking of you...
Our sisterly seeds of love are planted in this pot..You went before me to nuture the growth of those seeds..
You don't even need 'Miracle Grow'..
I wonder when you get the time or permission, would you please ask our Father why he doesn't allow me to dream of you...Why he doesn't allow me to have images of you other than in my minds eye...Why have I not heard your voice?? I know you speak to me...Why can't I hear you??
He's allowed me to see and hear Michael many many times..Why not you?? I yearn for just one small conversation...I would settle for hearing you call my name...I don't have to hear you say your ok, I know this..I saw that on your face as I was lying there next to you in that hospital bed when you left this world...Your face was more beautiful than I could possibly imagine it ever would be..So beautiful, not flushed anymore, pain free...Of all the wonderful memories I have of you, this is the one I remember most... I didn't want that nurse to pry your fingers from around mine...I still feel your precious fingers around mine...
I guess if it's decided I can not hear you as I remain on this earth, you will have plenty to say once I join you... Maybe the seeds planted in this pot will grow into a beanstalk and I can climb it, peer in there and just hear your voice...Maybe I will be able to hear you singing...I am sure He has given you a melodic voice of the beautiful angel you are cause, you sure couldn't carry a note, here on earth! Didn't stop you from trying tho...
Nothing stopped you from trying anything...God knows I miss you, my precious sweet sister... No matter where we are (we proved that time and time again growing up)we will be, Sisters Forever....

I've had alot of things in my life that have left me with feelings of helplesness but, none I can think of is greater than a friend hurting/in need. I don't know what to say to help that friend...It's perfectly obvious there are issues but I'm not eloquent enough nor feel with all the fuck ups in my life that I'm qualified to give advise...I try to sometimes liken some of this friends feelings to mine but, I'm reminded that we are talking about friend and not me...I love this friend unconditionally...Would share and do share,anything and everything in my life...Seems I just don't understand...What parts I do understand and comment on, it's just not the right comments I feel...Our lives are so completely different, it's amazing that we became friends in the first place...Maybe it's because in the past I have hurt this friend but God knows, I really didn't do it intentionally...It was at a time when I clearly was thinking only of myself and an easy way out...In the time that we were apart I felt we lost something...I went around with my head in my ass and friend developed new or stronger friendships that I as a grown woman, find myself sometimes jealous of....Friend is on a roller coaster and I don't know how to stop it....When Michael died I knew exactly what had to be done...I took charge and done it...If memory serves me, friend and I have had only one strong dis-agreement and parted shortly which killed my heart but, I knew I had to go on...I know friend doesn't always agree with what I say nor my actions but, one thing right off the bat was, friend allowed me to be me....Friend would/does advise me from time to time and I usually heed friends advise...Sometimes I really don't want to but, I know friend is only looking out for me... I wish I could return that favor...I love you from my heart friend...I wish I weren't so helpless to your plights..I wish I could offer you advise that would bring some light to your life, as you have mine...I will FOREVER be here for you...I hope you know this...I just want to say in closeing, I'm worried about you...I love you...

Her Name Is...SQUAMOUS CELL CARCINOMA..

SHE came into our life with a vengeance. SHE was after my husband and, SHE took him..I had never heard of her.. I didn't like her the first time I heard her name. Her's was the first name I had felt threatened by in my entire marriage..SHE moved very quickly into our lives. Came and claimed what SHE wanted and then, moved on..8 months after first hearing her name...SHE took him from me...SHE waited and plotted those 8 mos. SHE had decided to cause him pain he had never experienced before and although I didn't feel the physical part of it, I FELT IT..SHE let Michael go through a 16 hour surgery but we were told before going in that she was in his brain and, SHE would probably take him then but,SHE didn't...SHE wasn't done with him yet..SHE let him stay with me for the sweetest 8 mos. of my life and my marriage..We don't know how long she had been with him, hiding there, growing, doing what SHE does to people just trying to live this life..When the cyst in Michael's ear started bothering him after all the years being there AND after all the years of my bitching, telling him he needed to go to the Dr. and have it looked at...Only to be told, "I'll have it looked at IF it bothers me".I personally called an Ear Nose and Throat Specialist and made him an appointment.Since her taking him from me I live daily wishing I had done it years before..Once seeing the Dr. and having the biopsy, SHE wreaked her havoc on our lives..We were sent to a Specialist in Gainsville Florida being told by Dr. here, "This is beyond our expertise." In between the time that we made the Dr.'s visit and were sent to Gainsville, This thing grew like a boulder on his face, causing Michael a great deal of pain..It was full of cancer and infection. He couldn't lay down so slept in the recliner..Well, if you want to call that sleeping...He was in a great deal of pain..Michael was a COWBOY and so was I or, that is the term we used over the years to describe our toughness..I was amazed at the strength Michael showed through this... When he could no longer stand the pain of this thing growing so rapidly he went into the bathroom with a razor blade and lanced it... It burst out some of the most horrible things I have ever seen in my life but, it caused him some relief...The pressure of that thing was gone but, he had to do this two more times before we were scheduled for surgery...Long story shortened, Michael had to have nine teeth pulled quickly because radiation would kill them and the area would not heal...His face had paulsyed and he could no longer shut his left eye..During surgery they placed a gold weight in his eyelid to help with that..As mentioned before, we were told the day before Michael had surgery that they believed SHE was in his brain...That is what I faced JUST BEFORE they wheeled him into the operating room..Think about someone you love going into an operating room, just being told that the cancer was in their brain but, Dr's would go in, do all they can and while they're in there they will put a gold weight in the eyelid...Originally the surgery was only scheduled for 8-10 hours but that stretched into 16...Although praying wasn't new to me, I found the chapel at Shands and a pastor spent a good deal of time with me...I was hyper ventalating, lack of sleep etc...Truth is, I don't even remember walking to the chapel..After the longest 16 hours of my life, one of the assisting Dr's we had come to know well came into the waiting room...He asked to speak to me...My heart pounded out of my chest...I had never known this fear...He sat down beside me and proceded to tell me that they were EXTREMELY happy with their progress...They had cut, tied, burned and yanked out any sign of 'HER' they could find...With all the infection Michael lost the bottom of his ear... Didn't matter anyhow because they had sewed the canal shut, never to be opened again... All the reports being said and done and sounding favorable that they had gotten rid of, 'HER' the Dr. then layed the next bomb on me...He had been stuck by a needle while sewing the weight in Michael's eye and needed permission to run an Aides test...Of course he had my permission!Well, Michael didn't have aides but he sure had Hepatitis C, SOMEHOW..On top of facing seven weeks twice a day radiation treatments we were now having to find a Dr. specializing in this area that we knew nothing about..We did that after radiation was over and done..I will post about that at a later date..Michael and I were finally home bound!! We went back to living our life as close to normal as possible... More about that later also...One Sunday Michael didn't feel much like going to Sunday school so I had asked my oldest daughters boyfriend to pick him up when he was on his way to our church...I went ahead with my sister-in-law..When Michael arrived he was more tired than usual and I noticed a small red inflamed area in front of what was left of his ear...I knew 'SHE' was back...We had an appointment in Gainesville the following Wed... I called Dr. got Dr. on call...Explained briefly, FRANTICALLY what was happening to Michael and what had happened allready...This on call Dr. said he would phone in a prescription of antibiotics...I said, "FUCK ANTIBIOTICS, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE JUST TOLD YOU"!!!I drove from that church past our street...Michael said, " where are you gong"?? I said, " we are going to the hospital"... He said, "NO, I have the appointment in Gainesville on Wednesday"... I kept driving...Gave them Michael's history at the hospital and they kept him...I don't think he's ever been so mad at me...It wasn't long before they came to tell me what I allready knew...SHE was back and, SHE came to claim my husband...We made that trip on Wednesday to Gainesville where we were going to discuss some re-constructive surgery for Michael ... We were told there would be no re-construction...Michael was terminal...SHE took my sweet Michael from me 10/27/2000...When Michael died part of me died with him...PLEASE, PLEASE to anyone who reads this, if you have something growing that you know shouldn't be or if you have something somewhere that you know shouldn't be there, have it looked at...We were told if we had only came 6 mos. sooner they think my story might be different...Your story can have a much happier ending...